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September 1, 2006

Advice: Ask a Hard-Up College Freshman

Guest advice column by college freshman Kyle Hofstrau

Dear Hard-Up College Freshman:

My boyfriend and I have been going out for two years, and things are getting pretty serious. Still, I'm not sure we are ready for marriage (he's 22 and I'm 21), but I think he's about to propose. What should I do?-----Jada in State College, PA

Dear Jada:

Jesus Christ, I haven't been with a girl since 8th grade, and, considering she was my second cousin, I'm not sure that counts. Plus, all I did was cop a quick feel, and it really wasn't worth getting caught, plus the counseling sessions and being politely barred from all future family reunions. Listen - if things don't work out, could I like call you sometime? Well, thanks anyhow.


Dear Hard-Up College Freshman:

My boyfriend has been cheating on me with another girl in my sorority, and now I have two problems: a guy I don't trust and a skanky hoe of a sorority 'sister' who would spread her legs to anyone who would say 'boo.' HELP!!-----Larissa in Des Moines

Dear Larissa:

Man, would I would give to have a girlfriend. I would never cheat on her, and I would do anything she asked of me. I would bring her flowers in the morning, kisses in the afternoon, and strawberries at bedtime. By the way - can I have the number of that girl from your sorority house? What?!?! She moved out? Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. DAMMITT!!! I have the worst luck.


Dear Hard-Up College Freshman:

I have a real problem here. My girlfriend's best friend, who is really hot and really smart, has been hinting that she'd like to start going out with me. I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend, but I am really attracted to her best friend. What would you do?-----Torn in Tempe

Dear Torn:

Are you kidding me? Are you really just fucking with me? I haven't been with a girl in so long that my cock is about to wither from disuse, and you wind up with TWO hotties? Where's the justice, man? Just die, man, DIE. What did I ever do to God to make Him start toying with me, anyways? My life is beyond pathetic.

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