Codependent Collegian

<Left: How much more can he take?

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Price, UT)—Sam Owings thought his brief tenure in a summer composition course at the College of Eastern Utah would prove a cumbersome, but otherwise forgettable academic experience.

Sadly, Owings did not consider the brutal June weather of the American Southwest, which has resulted in a staggering display of tit among his co-ed classmates.

“Two weeks ago, I was in the zone, man—the rhetorical appeals, thesis statements—it was all good,” Owings recalled. “Now it’s tube tops, tank tops, and tight concert T’s from Bonnaroo. If I get a C on our next test, it’ll be a goddamn miracle.”

And despite the awkward embarrassment of being caught ogling his fellow writers, Owings cannot help his primal urge to gawk.

“I got busted by Sarah [Millson] three times this morning—and she sits on the other side of the room for Christ’s sake,” Owings lamented. “I can’t help myself. If her nipples were any harder, they’d cut glass.”

Left: Two of Millson's best attributes

To his credit, Professor Evan Bathos has done his best to maintain a dynamic learning environment despite the abject horniness of his students.

“Those kids are so eager to rut they don’t hear a damn thing I say,” huffed Bathos, watching World Cup highlights. “The chicks come half-naked, the guys come hard up—I have to drink three whiskey cokes just to take the edge off every night.”