Codependent Collegian

Left: Bush wants to get the little snots ready, that's all

(Tallahassee, FL) Students would be required to pick a major and minor during kindergarten as part of legislation that unanimously cleared the Florida Senate Education Committee Tuesday.

Governor Jeb Bush believes that, since personality is largely formed by that time, kindergartners should be able to make career decisions as well.

"You can pretty much tell by kindergarten who is going to be a success and who is goign to pretty much have a shitty life," said the governor. "By choosing majors and minors, we can save society's losers from 13 or 14 fruitless years of kicking the seat of the kids in front of them."

Bush believes that the law will also help teachers focus on the "important children."

"Let's face it - some kids are just destined to be cleaning up the shitters, and some are destined to run multinational corporations," he said. "The sooner tomorrow's janitors recognize their fate, the sooner they can come to term with that future."

Bush does not believe that such tracking techniques deny opportunities to late bloomers.

"We had this kid we called Booger in third grade, and he was the biggest doofus to ever wear mismatched socks," he laughed. "I looked him up a couple of years ago, and he was working midnights at Burger King. Same old Booger. Why make the poor slob suffer through Ralph Waldo Emerson, trigonometry, and chemistry? He could have been cooking our fries at Midland High way back in 1968."