March 2, 2006
Subcomandante Bob Ends Feud With The Onion
(Toledo, OH) A seven-month battle between The Onion and the enigmatic Subcomandante Bob over alleged plagiarism has been resolved peacefully.
"I think that the Onion has been punished long enough with our decision to de-link them," declared the enigmatic Bob, pounding the podium for emphasis. "It is time that we join virtual hands once again in our shared mission to lampoon the modern world."
Subcomandante Bob, editor of the e-zines Codependent Collegian, Toledo Tales, and National Nitwit, said that the refusal of the Onion to even acknowledge his emails demanding compensation was not a factor in the decision.
"It is clear that we shook the editorial staff over there with our legal threats," he said. "I think that they have been cowed into submission, and the loss of perhaps as many as 100 page hits in six months has taken a steep financial toll on the Onion."
Pressed by the two reporters in attendance, Subcommandante Bob admitted there was another element to the change in stance toward the Onion.
"Frankly, I blew the $150 bucks our lawyer wanted up front on cheap booze and illegal pharmaceuticals," he said. "But let me say this: woe unto those who would pilfer our material so brazenly, for thy day of judgment is at hand. The Lord thy God, a merciful and just God, does not take kindly to such truck. By the way, can either of you two spare $5 bucks? I haven't eaten in a couple of days."
