Codependent Collegian

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—A small band of pro-firearm students, clad in fatigues and paramilitary equipment, infiltrated a recent rally on the UT campus advocating the 3rd amendment last Tuesday, sparking widespread confusion and creating a general state of constitutional bewilderment.

“At first we thought those guys showed up as a joke,” Maria Fortinelli remarked, who is Vice President of the 3rd Amendment Advocacy League, Ohio chapter. “It became painfully clear after a few minutes though—they really though we were here to bash gun control. I was totally freaked. I mean, when a 19 year-old kid is missing that many teeth, it’s just creepy.”

The 3rd Amendment is arguably the most overlooked among the Bill of Rights, and protects American citizens from having to quarter and feed troops in their homes during times of peace. To date, there has only been one Supreme Court case that tested the interpretation of the amendment, and concerned the housing of national guardsmen during a 1982 police strike in rural New York.

Widespread ignorance of the 3rd Amendment was the primary reason last week’s rally dissolved into aggressive finger-pointing, and became what one observer called “the most ironic breakdown of campus activism I’ve ever fucking seen.”

One of the firearm advocates, speaking only under the assurance of anonymity, described the scene.

“Look—if someone had just had a copy of the goddamn Constitution, none of this would’ve happened," he said. "How were we supposed to know the rally was about the right NOT to feed militiamen soup and let ‘em sleep on your couch?"

The pro-firearm advocate offered further reflections.

"Come to think of it, that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard," he said. "Those who defend this great country deserve to share the homes and hearths of their fellow Americans. That’s what gun rights, at their very core, are all about — togetherness.”