Codependent Collegian

(Toledo, OH) A group of concerned aliens descended upon Franklin Park mall this week to protest what they claim is overt spacism.

“Martians from all walks of life shop at this mall, but you never see any pictures of us,” said Grujurb Smarnigalb, a spokesbeing for the group. “Our money is just as good as that of humans.”

Smarnigalb pointed to a collection of wall-sized murals, showing happy faces of affluent mall shoppers.

“Sure. If you have don’t have a third eye in your forehead, they make you feel welcome,” he said. “But if you have the audacity to have been born a little different, they harass you.”

Smarnigalb said that aliens suspected of shoplifting have been subjected to unusually harsh treatment, including body cavity searches.

“Look, this is all payback for those supposed anal probes,” he said. “We never did any of that shit. The humans who make up those claims have some serious Freudian issues.”

Smarnigalb said the group is next going to target Hollywood for its offensive alien stereotypes.

"We're not all a bunch of killers like in Alien or Predator films," he said. "Most of us are down-to-Earth, middle class types with mortgages and crummy jobs like everyone else. We put our pants on three legs at a time, that's all."