Codependent Collegian

(Toledo, OH) UT Board of Trustees President Dan Brennan came out against extending health care benefits to anyone not normal in another meeting last week.

“It’s time that we take a stand against the freaks, geeks, commies, and weirdoes,” he said. “These misfits have run rampant on this campus for far too long.”

Brennan said that non-white, non-Republican, atheistic, liberal-arts types are a “bleeding sore on the buttocks of America.”

“Face it – no one liked these losers in high school, and we coddle them on the campus,” he said. “How are they ever going to fit in mainstream society when they keep talking about crap like diversity and justice?”

Brennan said that the University needs to take a firm, hard stance on non-conformity.

“We shouldn’t bend over and just take this stuff,” he said of freak attempts to subvert wholesome American youth. “We must get on our knees and pray for God to smite these dirty Sodomites wherever they are found.”

Adjusting his shiny black hobnailed boots, Brennan compared the insidious specter of unorthodox lifestyles to metaphorical reptiles.

“Like slithering, muscular snakes, these degenerates wind their way around the neck of the American body politic and squeeze out wholesome life,” he said, gesturing with his riding crop at the unseen menace. “I, for one, will penetrate this conspiracy, and tell these sickos that we will no longer be their submissive slaves.”