June 27, 2006
Marching Band Tryouts Result in “Showcase of Rejects”
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue EditorAbove: "Fags and losers" play their guts out
(Richmond, VA)—Although most college students are relishing their summer vacations, a large body of undergraduate musicians has descended on the campus of Virginia Commonwealth University to begin tryouts for the impending marching band season.
And while most returning upperclassmen have found some semblance of social acceptance among their peers, the incoming freshmen can only be described as “a cavalcade of fags and losers.”
“I’ll tell ya, I’ve seen some real weird kids in my day, but this batch takes the cake,” remarked Dan Unger, Musical Director and Associate Professor of Jazz Composition. “I haven’t seen this many virgins in one place since the last Star Wars movie premiered.”
Student drum major Nick Cuthbert echoed Unger’s sentiments.
“I don’t which is worse, Billy—their acne or their inability to sight-read sheet music,” Cuthbert huffed between drags on his menthol cigarette. “I have a reputation to maintain, ya know? If these kids ruin my chances for a threesome after Homecoming, I’m putting lice in all their uniforms, so help me God.”
