April 5, 2006
Ohio to Reduce College Aid to Pencils, Logo Cup
(Columbus, OH) Capping thirty years of declining state support, legislators in Ohio have agreed on a bill to bring "bare minimum" levels of funding for higher education.Beginning in August 2006 all undergraduate students at state colleges will receive one dozen No. 2 pencils and a plastic logo cup in lieu of actual funding to universities.
"The logo cup will be available with designs for every state university," said House Speaker Jon Husted (R-Kettering). "Everyone but Cleveland State, that is. We just couldn't get enough legislators to give them their own cup, so they'll have to share with Akron."
Husted said that the state, which is facing serious budget woes, could no longer afford to provide actual cash to state institutions.
"Face it - I'm going to be long dead by the time this generation of undereducated Ohioans is running the show," he laughed. "What do they call it, SOFP? Some Other Fucker's Problem - heh!"
Students next fall will also be able to choose between styles of the free pencils, said Husted.
"We will have different colors available, and we'll make a few thousand mechanical pencils available for those geeky types whose asses I used to kick in high school," he said. "I don't know why those anal-retentive freaks gotta have them, but we'll go the extra mile. You never know when one of those techno-twats might come in handy." Mary Winkler
